Best Day Ever

So as you know thanks to all your lovely votes I won the mothers day make over by this amazing girl. Cara was over-the-top beautiful and SO talented. The girl has got some mad skills! We couldn't stop talking the WHOLE time. It was such a fun day of pampering! I got my hair done at Lunatic Fringe. You can check them out here. My stylist was Mandy Romprey and she was Amazing! Anyone in the St. George area I highly recommend checking her out. This whole experience was so out of my comfort zone but I'm so glad I had the opportunity to be part of it. I owe all of you who voted for me something super lovely. Remind me of that next time you see me:)

Vote for Pedro..I mean JADE

Ok so. This is kind of  hilarious. My sweet sweet husband did something so thoughtful for me and even though it is sort of stressing me RIGHT out I'm trying to be calm and just go with it. There is a local girl here in St. George who is a professional make-up artist and has a website all about make-up and make-up application and where to find good brushes etc. Anyway I "liked" her page on facebook and Matthew noticed and clicked on it and he stumbled upon a contest she was doing for mothers day. You could nominate someone who you thought was a good mom and she picked the top five finalists and then posted them on her website and now whoever gets the most votes wins a day at a salon for a hair and make-up makeover followed by a professional photo shoot. I consider myself a confident person but for some reason the thought of people reading the little paragraph about me and then choosing who to vote for is giving me heart failure! I feel so vulnerable!! Anyway, I figure if I am already this far I might as well go for it so I'm posting the link to the website and if you have a spare moment go vote for me. There's a grandma kicking my butt:)
www.maskcara.com

I tried

I think I have been out of the blogging loop too long. I'm staring at some pictures and then staring at the screen and I can't for the life of me figure out how to combine some words and pictures without it being anything but a snoozer! So I think I'm going to keep this simple. Baby steps here people.

First off the kids and I took a spontaneous trip to San Diego with my mom and Will. Will was anxious to go see some people from his mission and I was anxious to do some California shopping so it worked out well for both parties.

 I texted this picture to Matthew from California and he almost drove down to make an offer...I think it has a really homey vibe don't you?

 

 Petco Park. Other then the fact I have no eyes and my hair looks like I'm in a 80's butt rock band, it's really creepy to get a family picture with your brother. People walking by kept smiling at us like "what a cute family" This is not the first time we have been mistaken as a couple and it creeps me out Every time!! I kept yelling out brother sort of loud at random times just so I didn't feel so dirty.

Oh, my house is the one on the left

 Who would of thought you could get the farm vibe right in the center of San Diego

 took these pics in a park where Will later informed me has had several murders in lately..

Shoved between two car seats in the back of a car = good times

We got home from SD and the next day Laken turned 5! She made a list of everything she wanted to do and it went something like this. Eat waffles with whipped cream and strawberries,go to cupcake shop, go swimming, go fishing,go to target, go to jumpin jacks, go to pirate island pizza.

We managed to do everything but replaced fishing with pedicures. She was hilarious and wanted zebra on her toes. Oh, and I may have told her that pirate island pizzas ovens were broken. Yes I'm that selfish and reeeaallly didn't feel like cardboard pizza so we went to Texas Road House. I sold her on it because I told her she got to ride a saddle and they would sing to her. But when we got there the booth beside us had a birthday and the terror on her face was priceless! Lets just say she didn't sit on the saddle.

Went on an Amazing Hike a couple of days ago. One of the many reasons I love St. George. Within 10 minutes you are in mind blowing landscapes

 We were in an underground cave which was pitch black...why am I the only one who looks like a crack addict?

Had an Epic Easter Egg hunt yesterday. Track found a few eggs and was totally satisfied. Laken swept the lawn probably fifteen times like there was a bounty for each egg she found.

Okay so this is not her only dress it just so happens it was her Easter dress and I let her wear it a week early in San Diego and that happened to be the day I took a bunch of pics so don't judge.


There. Our month. Left a little to be desired. I'll work on it.

Deep Breaths

We're back from our month long escape to Canada. My home. I'm back in St. George. My other home. Just trying to play the role of a wife a mother and Jade. Some roles are proving easier then others. Since Locke was born I keep finding myself whenever I'm out and about in busy places looking around at all the people around me going about their lives doing their thing looking so normal and I want to scream "Everyone Freeze!!!" Life cannot just go on as normal because I'm standing here without my baby and I don't quite know how to do that yet so everyone freeze so I don't have to keep feeling so on the outside looking in at everyone's normal life. But that's where I'm probably wrong. Assuming that everyone's life is just normal. If there's something I've learned is that things are never how they appear. It's so easy to glance at someone and make an initial evaluation in five seconds or less. Sometimes good sometimes bad. When I was pregnant I constantly had people so innocently commenting on by belly or asking me questions and I would smile and answer and in my head I would be saying if you only knew. But at the same time I would find myself looking at other pregnant girls envying them and wishing that was me when I had No idea what their story was. Probably happy but you never know. I'm sure my story looked quite happy as well. If everyone had that mind frame it would require a lot more empathy from everyone and that could never be a bad thing.

   I just need to figure out what my knew life looks like. It can never be like my old life so how does it look? I haven't figured that out yet but I do have hope and that is something that I haven't had for a very long time. I have a new kind of normal as well. There are days when I surprise myself how normal I feel but it's a different kind of normal that I am use to. It all just comes with the territory I guess. Time is a double edge sword. The moment you feel relief that you've got through another day a week a month is the moment you feel panic that you've gone a day a week a month without rocking kissing loving your baby. It always comes back to faith. When realities knock the wind out of me I give it all to the Lord and know he'll take over the rest. I think I just need to start breathing again and then maybe eventually, without even realizing it, I'll look around and see that everything has taken it's rightful new place and there is a little order restored. One day. 

I'm also going to try to blog our everyday life again. Everything has been on hold for a very long time and it's time to start living again. Not forgetting, just living. 

We make a pretty good team I think

Baby Locke

 So I've been staring at this screen for quite some time now. How do I even begin? How to I put into sentences what these last few weeks have been for me? How do I put a conclusion on my story that has been followed by many faithful amazing people that have cried with me and prayed with me and took a little bit of my pain and made it their own? If I am completely honest and raw I have to admit there is part of me that wants to keep him all for myself. That somehow sharing the details of Lockes story will cheapen it or make it seem less real if that makes any sense. But after a lot of contemplation of why I was feeling like that I realized something. I have had the honor to not only be Lockes mom but also his voice. Since the moment we were told of his special calling he has been touching peoples lives. I  believe that Locke was too pure and too valiant for this world. He had already proven himself worthy. He did not have to come down and be tested, but he still wanted to change lives. He still wanted to be a missionary every little way he could. He wanted to do as much good as he could in the few precious months before he was born and then the minutes he was here, and he has. He knew of his calling and he fulfilled it, and then some.

 I surprised myself that I was already emotional before we even entered the hospital that day. I couldn't help but have a few tears constantly drip down my cheek as the reality of January 25th was no longer that date I was preparing for but the date I was living. I felt calm and a little numb but things continued to happen around me and I just sort of tried my best to take it all in. I knew that what ever happened that day was because that was the way it was supposed to be. It was all part of the plan and nothing was going to be a mistake. I remember laying in that bed with Matthew sitting beside me and thinking how we were never going to be the same no matter what happened that day. 

Everything progressed very slowly. By late afternoon I still had a long way to go. Locke looked good on the monitors at that point so we waited. Our fan club sat patiently in the waiting room. Between our parents and siblings and cousin we had fifteen people there for us. Whenever I needed a shot of love Matthew would go get Laken and Track from the waiting room and they would rally my spirits. Laken sat by my bed and rubbed my hand between hers softly and slowly because she said my hands were freezing but hers were toasty. Matthew had given Laken and Track blessings the night before and they were perfect the whole day. It was such a long day but I needed them there when Locke was born and they were blessed. At this point ignorance was bliss. I picture myself laying there so utterly and completely naive of what was to come.  I think somewhere in the back of my head I let myself think that maybe we were going to skip the heartache. The whole concept was still, even after months of preparing and knowing, too big for me digest. I listened to other moms in rooms beside me have their babies and wait for that first little cry and I thought to myself that maybe that could be me too. I believe in a God of miracles so why not know? 

By about 9:30pm after hours of little progress Locke started to show signs of distress. Three doctors and a few nurses came into my room and circled my bed and began shooting scenarios and options and recommendations at me.  When they were done they paused and looked at me expecting a reply or some feedback. My head was swimming. I was so confused. The only thing that kept repeating in my mind was we could lose him which they said a hundred times in every scenario. I was having a hard time keeping any sort of composure and I think all I could say was- I needed to meet him. So after a little more monitoring, and I had had a chance to digest a little of what they were telling me, it was very clear to me that I needed a C-section. I knew in my heart that as Lockes mom I needed to do everything I possibly could for him. There was too much I was never going to be able to fix but if I could give him life, even just for a little while, he would know how much I loved him. I needed to know for myself that I did absolutely everything I could for my baby. Within a few minutes they were prepping me for surgery.

Everything was sort of in slow motion from this point on and I don't really remember comprehending much until I heard the doctor say the beautiful words I had been waiting to hear, "He's looking around!". It's like everything became very clear again and my heart skipped a beat. I laid on that operating table with strangers buzzing all around me and a curtain in front of me so I couldn't see anything but I knew he had done it. He had fulfilled his mission and we were now on borrowed time. I waited patiently to meet him. Matthew had left my side to go give him his name and blessing. They let our two fathers be part of that which I will forever be grateful for. The moment I saw Matthew cross that room with that little bundle of perfection wrapped in his arms, I was in love.  He laid him cheek to cheek with me and I tried desperately to take him all in. The first thing I said was he looked like Track. I also knew the moment I laid eyes on him our time was very short. It was now that we entered into another dimension. We were in the presence of an angel and heaven was very close. His spirit was brilliant. He radiated everything pure in this world. Looking back I realize how much Heavenly Father was protecting my heart. He let me feel everything wonderful and he let me enjoy every moment with him, the heartache could wait. 

I didn't know how I was going to feel once he had passed. I didn't know if  I was going to feel instantly different and struggle. But nothing changed. His spirit was very close because I could still feel him beside us. Laken was amazing. She kissed him and rocked him and wrapped his little finger around hers and told us "He loves it when I do this!". She was the proud big sister  and I know in her amazing little mind she knew how special he was.We couldn't get enough of him. Once everyone had had a chance to hold him and love him it was just Matthew and I. I had got very little sleep the night before and then had been through labor all day but I couldn't close my eyes. I couldn't waste a minute not starting at his perfect little face. Matthew pushed his bed up to mine and we laid him between us and marveled. We examined every toe and every finger. Two of his toes were webbed and Matthew thought it was hilarious. We awed at his tiny features and how he had my nose and Tracks mouth and chin. He had a look of babies with Trisomy 18 but he still looked like he belong to our family. Both of our other babies were over nine pounds so his tiny four pound ten ounce body was a novelty all on it's own. His hair was amazing. A perfect amount of silky soft down over his entire head. I never wanted to forget his smell so I constantly had my nose buried in his cheek.  This was part of the other dimension. Matthew and I were holding our baby that we never heard make a noise. The baby we were never going to get to watch grow up. The baby we were going to have to say goodbye to all too soon, and all we could do is soak him in and feel of his amazing spirit. I know that was Heavenly Fathers and Lockes gift to us. There was a miracle that day. Locke was a miracle. There was greatness in that room and there is no way of describing it unless you could feel it for yourself. 

That greatness stayed with us while we were at the hospital. Since I had a c-section I had to stay for two days but we continued to feel peace. That doesn't mean I ever stopped crying. From the minute we entered the hospital until we left three days later I think I had tears in my eyes. A few sober moments but then more tears. My eyes were so swollen I looked like I had had some type of allergic reaction. But although I never stopped crying I still had Lockes spirit with me and he made me strong and he allowed me enjoy the time I had with him. Everyone on the hospital staff who were part of it had a reverence about them. It didn't matter who you were or where you had come from you knew that Locke had a purpose and that he was amazing.  But once we got home from the hospital that spirit was gone and the heartache set in. I have had my moments. I have been blessed that through all of this I have been able to recognize truth and cleave to it. That when I hear doctrine or scripture or quotes pertaining to Lockes purpose I can feel that it is true and it strengthens me. I've never asked Heavenly Father why or gone through phases where I was mad I have always been able to comprehend this higher calling and get my strength from the Lord. I sort of feel like Heavenly Father gave me this trial but also protected me every way he could. I also believe that Locke is protecting me. I know that Locke is very happy. I know that he is up there fulfilling his mission and working miracles. All of this knowledge enables me to still be a mom and to still find joy in this world. But I still wake up in the morning and make a conscience effort to get out of bed and live. The empty arms are very real. A few days after he was born I laid in bed the entire day and ached so bad through my entire body that it was literally painful. All of my knowledge of the plan of salvation still couldn't take away that ache inside of me that I didn't have my baby. It was like my mind and my body were screaming at me to get him. It's every mothers natural instinct to protect your young and to take care of them. How could I leave him?!? I felt like a crazy person because I kept picturing myself going and getting him and bringing him back home with me because the fact that he wasn't there was just too much to handle. 

I held his little outfit that he wore in the hospital as tight as I could and pictured him in it. I knew this part was coming. How could it not. From the moment I found out of his calling I pictured these times. There was no getting around it so I just let it all in and mourned my baby. I still feel raw and my emotions are always close to the surface but we just take one day at a time. I can't look too far ahead because it scares me. I just know that if I stay close to the Lord I will always have Locke with us to guide us and strengthen us and that is all I need to know right now. I also know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. From the very beginning my prayer was that we would be able to meet him. It was everyone's prayers. After he was born I let myself question why we only got him for so short of a time. Why couldn't he have stayed just a little longer were the thoughts running in my mind. I said this to Matthew and he said something that instantly rang true in my heart. He said that he believed without a doubt that Lockes mission didn't involve being born alive. That his birth was a direct effect of everyones prayers. Heavenly Father answered our prayers to be able to meet him because he knew how important it was to us. Like I said heavenly Father answers our prayers.  I know this. 

The funeral was beautiful. I had been dreading it for so long but it brought me peace. It brought me joy that other people were able to get a glimpse of how amazing our son was. We had a service in St. George and then one in Raymond where he was buried next to my cousin Paul who died when he was eight. I've said before what a missionary and a strength Locke has been for so many people and this was one more way he could share the gospel and teach them the importance of eternal families and how important it is to stay strong and immovable because in the end, nothing else is worth it. Matthew carried his little coffin by himself and although it broke my heart, I also knew that it was so important for Matthew to do everything he could as a father for his son. He also climbed into his grave and lowered him in himself positioning him just so as only a father could. We have been strengthened in more ways then we can count and we will forever be humbled. Lockes story will never be over. There isn't a conclusion here. He has changed me forever and I wouldn't take it back for anything. If we are all a little kinder a little softer and little more humble then Lockes work will always go on and I will always be the proud mother of a perfect baby boy named Locke.

My pictures were taken by amazing photographer named Noelle. She was part of an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that actually come in and take photos for families like ours that do not have much time. She gave me such a priceless gift and I will forever be in her debt. These are actually just a few we haven't got the actual cd with all of them but I cherish every picture.


My sister in law Gina wrote and composed a song on her guitar soon after we found out about Locke that is amazing. She played and sang it at the service in St. George and my sisters Ivy and Chloe and Matthews sister Ahlin sang it at the one in Raymond because Gina had to go back to school.  They all did an amazing job. I have yet to listen to it without tearing up. It is raw and full of truth and I love it.It needs all the rest of my pictures once I get them so this will do for now. This is Gina singing have a listen.

 

Introducing Locke William Arrington

4 pounds 10 ounces

seventeen and a half inches

Came to our family January 25th 10:10pm. Went back to his Father in Heaven a few beautiful minutes later.

Our Perfect, precious, piece of Heaven forever in our hearts..

Families are Forever

I will carry you

It's sort of an outer body experience for someone to sit across from you in a doctors office and give you a date, an actual date, when you will experience the purest form of joy that I know of, meeting your fresh from heaven baby for the first time, and then saying goodbye. January 25th is the day that I have been preparing for several months now. My brother Will reminded me that Heavenly Father has been preparing Matthew and I for this day our whole lives. Even in the pre-existence. That concept strengthens me. I have to keep telling myself that I agreed to this. That when Heavenly Father told us that he would need some of his most valiant back very soon because he needed them more on the other side to help with the work, I stood up. I stood up and I told him that I will just hold him for a little while and then I will let him go back where he is needed most. I have to wonder because Me, Jade, the mother that wouldn't dream of letting Laken go to pre-school and am still debating how necessary kindergarten is because the thought of her away from me stresses me right out, would offer such a thing. This is when I do a little self talk and tell myself over and over that I'm stronger then I know. This is also what I do every night in my prayers. Plead. Plead as long and as desperately as I can to have the comforter with me . I know I cannot do this alone.

What I also cannot do is analyze all day long. My head is full of What Ifs. What if I have complications during labor, what if I go into labor early before all the family gets here, what if he doesn't make it through labor. What if there is a miracle and although it won't be the miracle of life, what if he will stay will us just a little while. What if we get to take him home for a moment, what if.... I read a story of a girl who had a similar experience who said that was one of her biggest regrets. Trying to control what wasn't hers to control. So I take a deep breath and I force myself to focus on small things that can be controlled. Like the receiving blanket I am making him. Or the outfit I want him to wear in the hospital. Or my plan of begging the nurse not to make me have an IV so I don't have to be any more swollen then I already am! It's not a cure but maybe a quick fix for some sanity.

What has been the most humbling these last few weeks is the amazing amount of people I am informed of that are praying for our family. My mom is constantly telling me of people who approach her with heartfelt concern and tell of their prayers and thoughts for me. People offering their homes for family to stay in. My amazing friends here in St. George threw me a beautiful party with the theme SPARKLE because that is what they think when they think of me. I couldn't think of a better compliment! The party also had a fair amount of zebra print through it (they know me too well). They showered me with love and AMAZING gifts and I was touched. Along with not trying to control everything I think Heavenly Father has also taught me a valuable lesson on letting people serve you. I sort of panicked in the past at the thought of putting people out but I have had to let go of that and all I can think of is the day when I can return some kindness and love to someone in need. I have to find good through this. It would be easy to go through this whole experience with nothing but heart break and bitterness. There is both of those things in my life but what a waste it would be if that was all I could find. I want there to be another way to learn some of the things I'm learning but this is My Life, this makes me who I am, it's My Story.

The other day I was talking to a close friend on the phone and was emotional and Laken kept coming in and bringing me Kleenex quietly. When I got off the phone She handed me a piece of paper folded into a tiny square. I opened it up and this is what it said.

Dear Mom

I love you. I really want to say, that I just didn't want to explain cause I was too embarrassed. I just wanted to say that It will be OK if Locke dies because he will still be with us because even if he's not here he's still here with us in our hearts. Now I have to go and then maybe I can see you another time. It was really fun to talk.

Matthew said she came up to him and said that she wanted to write me a letter but her letters were too big to write so many and she had too many words to write them all herself. So Matthew wrote down exactly what she said. It is so precious to me and such a testimony that the Lord is preparing Laken just like he is preparing Matthew and I. She is four years old and so wise beyond her years. What a blessing my kids have been through this. They remind me every day why life is still good. I know that on Lockes birthday every year I will see kids his age and wonder what he would have been like. I don't think Track looks like Matthews baby pictures and I wonder if Locke would have looked more like him? I wonder if Track and him would have been best friends. I remember when I first found out it was a boy, before I knew everything was wrong, Matthew had been convinced it was a girl. He called both Laken and Tracks genders the day I found out I was pregnant with them and let me buy girl and then boy clothes long before we officially found out. He says it's a gift he has:) With this one he had a dream that we had a beautiful healthy baby girl with lots of dark hair so right from the get go he called it a she.I had been worried right from the beginning that something wasn't right. Matthew felt it to but then had that dream and felt a lot better. I think maybe that was a tender mercy from the Lord letting us know that there was still children that were going to come to our family. Anyways, when the ultra sound tech said it was a boy Matthew was in pure shock. The tech walked out of the room for a second as soon as she told us and Matthew looked at me and said no, she's wrong, that's clearly HER umbilical cord. I burst out laughing. My first thought was I pictured two tall blonde boys who were handsome and athletic and all the girls would want to date the Arrington brothers....but their mom wouldn't let them get near. Locke will be rooting for us on the other side. What a high bar he has set for our family. We have to be worthy to make it back to live with him and our Father in Heaven again. My kids are going to grow up knowing they have a brother looking down on them making sure they are valiant and not getting sidetracked by the worldly things in this life. Compared to being able to see him again what on this earth could possibly make it worth it to get in our way? Like I said, the bar is set high.

This song was written by a couple that lost their baby girl shortly after birth. Her husband is in this band that sung it. I can't listen to it without completely losing it, it makes me ache. The lyrics are beautiful though,they are too close to home but they touch my heart.

My sister in law Gina snapped a couple pictures one Sunday afternoon. Eight months pregnant is not my best look. But they are precious because they represent our sweet baby Locke William who we cherish already with all our hearts. We Will carry him all our lives. He will be our perfect bright spot in Heaven who taught us so much in such a short amount of time. I write this and still have no idea how I will actually get through this. How will I live through January 25th without shattering into a million pieces? I am small and weak but through the Lord I know I will find my strength.