HUH...so now what? I think I say this to myself a hundred times a day. I've turned into somewhat of a junkie in the aspect that I am constantly finding things and ways to find a little pleasure and a little distraction, even if it's just for a minute. Good eats can keep you pretty numb for a while as well as a good movie and always a little retail therapy can give you a high like none other. But as soon as the moment is past, and the anticipation is over to whatever you were doing, then I am left with just myself again and that can be incredibly scary. I think everyone does this to a certain extent. When you are procrastinating something you don't want to do so you keep finding things and people to distract you. Or when your house is a wreck and you keep telling yourself as soon as this show is over you are going to get up and get something done..thirty times. I really think you have to know yourself well and be comfortable in your own skin to be able to just be with yourself and be content without any other distractions and people around you. It's a horrible feeling to not feel like you can be alone in your thoughts but right now I am petrified of mine. They give me night mares and they keep a constant pit in my stomach and I find myself becoming more desperate for little fractions of relief in whatever form just to keep me sane. Bless poor Matthews heart because I am constantly ordering us to go out and do random things at random times. Luckily he knows me well enough not to try and figure out my brain and not to try and fix it, just go with it:)
   Tatum sent me a book about a girl who went through a similar experience and at about chapter four I threw it at the wall as hard as I could. It was too real and it spelled out for me in little black letters everything I am trying not to focus on and everything that keeps me up at night. After I threw it at the wall I called Tatum and said thanks for being so darn thoughtful I'm running into walls because my eyes are too swollen shut from tears to see where I'm going! Then we laughed, then we cried. In the part that I read she talks about the sacred dance between grief and joy. I look at my life and see SO much joy and SO many blessing and SO many miracles and SO much to be grateful for and yet my heart is broken so how do I make both fit? It is a sacred dance, and it is exhausting. I have never had to have so much faith in my entire life and  having faith and hope is All I can do. I can't make it right no matter how I try to spin it so I have to be able to give it all over to the Lord and pray with every fiber in my being that He can make it right, and I know He can. Not the right I want it to be the the right it is suppose to be.
   I realize my posts have turned into a mumble jumble of my thoughts all randomly smashed together but sometimes blogging is therapy to get it all out of my head so you are going to have to bare with me. I do realize that most of my thoughts don't warrant a response, just a listening ear. I'm really trying to stay current with my feelings because my first reaction is to bury them. When a painful thought enters my head my first instinct is to push it out as quick as I can. The only problem is most of my painful thoughts involve my perfect sweet baby boy so the thought that I am constantly keeping him out of my head is heartbreaking. I am paralyzed at the thought that I am going to look back and have regrets. Once it's over, it's over and I won't be able to change anything. So finding the balance of keeping him part of our life and not being in tears 24/7 has been all encompassing. In public I do better. When I get comments and questions about when I am due or what I am having I can summon a sweet smile and answer as quickly as possible while feeling like there is a knife in my heart. In the dumb book  she tells how if anyone, stranger or not asks her a question about her pregnancy she would tell her story. I wish I was that brave. My short form answers take every bit of courage I have. It's all about baby steps I guess. Laken is good about talking about him and so I try and engage with her about him whenever she needs. She'll say when our baby brother Locke comes we will only get to keep him for a little while before he goes back to heaven so I want to hold him a lot okay mom?!? Then I say okay as enthusiastically as I can and slip into the bathroom and throw cold water on my face until I can catch my breath. I worry about her a lot. But it came to me that she has the same comforter and the same spirit as we have and Heavenly Father will bless her and keep her little heart as protected as possible. I thought about bringing a puppy home from the hospital and try to convince her that's what was in my tummy but I'm afraid she's too darn smart. Every day warrants new mountains to climb and new tender mercies from the Lord. I am so appreciative to ALL your gestures of love and concern. I feel overwhelmed at the outpouring of love for me and my family.I  know I haven't personally responded to all the kind thoughts because to be honest it would be overwhelming. But they have been read many times in my different hours of need. It's much more hurtful to feel alienated or avoided because someone doesn't know what to say. There is nothing to say that can change anything trust me I know that. But I can feel support and I thank everyone because I have felt plenty of that.
  Life is precious and life is beautiful. In the conference edition of the Ensign Elder Christofferson said this. In this fallen world, some lives will be be brief, some bodies will be malformed, broken, or barely adequate to maintain life; yet life will be long enough for each spirit, and each body will qualify for resurrection.
I cannot count how my times I have read those sentences, Especially the last one.

I have been terrriable about pictures lately. Like seriously my brain doesn't even go there. Let's hope the  children didn't change much these last few months because it was not documented. A while ago we snapped a couple shots while we were on a walk. Posts are lame without pictures especially slightly depressing ones so here's a little visual aid.

This is what I do to Track all day long. Shove food in his face. Only appropriate it was captured.

Loves his daddy

Sweet little Lake