I will carry you

It's sort of an outer body experience for someone to sit across from you in a doctors office and give you a date, an actual date, when you will experience the purest form of joy that I know of, meeting your fresh from heaven baby for the first time, and then saying goodbye. January 25th is the day that I have been preparing for several months now. My brother Will reminded me that Heavenly Father has been preparing Matthew and I for this day our whole lives. Even in the pre-existence. That concept strengthens me. I have to keep telling myself that I agreed to this. That when Heavenly Father told us that he would need some of his most valiant back very soon because he needed them more on the other side to help with the work, I stood up. I stood up and I told him that I will just hold him for a little while and then I will let him go back where he is needed most. I have to wonder because Me, Jade, the mother that wouldn't dream of letting Laken go to pre-school and am still debating how necessary kindergarten is because the thought of her away from me stresses me right out, would offer such a thing. This is when I do a little self talk and tell myself over and over that I'm stronger then I know. This is also what I do every night in my prayers. Plead. Plead as long and as desperately as I can to have the comforter with me . I know I cannot do this alone.

What I also cannot do is analyze all day long. My head is full of What Ifs. What if I have complications during labor, what if I go into labor early before all the family gets here, what if he doesn't make it through labor. What if there is a miracle and although it won't be the miracle of life, what if he will stay will us just a little while. What if we get to take him home for a moment, what if.... I read a story of a girl who had a similar experience who said that was one of her biggest regrets. Trying to control what wasn't hers to control. So I take a deep breath and I force myself to focus on small things that can be controlled. Like the receiving blanket I am making him. Or the outfit I want him to wear in the hospital. Or my plan of begging the nurse not to make me have an IV so I don't have to be any more swollen then I already am! It's not a cure but maybe a quick fix for some sanity.

What has been the most humbling these last few weeks is the amazing amount of people I am informed of that are praying for our family. My mom is constantly telling me of people who approach her with heartfelt concern and tell of their prayers and thoughts for me. People offering their homes for family to stay in. My amazing friends here in St. George threw me a beautiful party with the theme SPARKLE because that is what they think when they think of me. I couldn't think of a better compliment! The party also had a fair amount of zebra print through it (they know me too well). They showered me with love and AMAZING gifts and I was touched. Along with not trying to control everything I think Heavenly Father has also taught me a valuable lesson on letting people serve you. I sort of panicked in the past at the thought of putting people out but I have had to let go of that and all I can think of is the day when I can return some kindness and love to someone in need. I have to find good through this. It would be easy to go through this whole experience with nothing but heart break and bitterness. There is both of those things in my life but what a waste it would be if that was all I could find. I want there to be another way to learn some of the things I'm learning but this is My Life, this makes me who I am, it's My Story.

The other day I was talking to a close friend on the phone and was emotional and Laken kept coming in and bringing me Kleenex quietly. When I got off the phone She handed me a piece of paper folded into a tiny square. I opened it up and this is what it said.

Dear Mom

I love you. I really want to say, that I just didn't want to explain cause I was too embarrassed. I just wanted to say that It will be OK if Locke dies because he will still be with us because even if he's not here he's still here with us in our hearts. Now I have to go and then maybe I can see you another time. It was really fun to talk.

Matthew said she came up to him and said that she wanted to write me a letter but her letters were too big to write so many and she had too many words to write them all herself. So Matthew wrote down exactly what she said. It is so precious to me and such a testimony that the Lord is preparing Laken just like he is preparing Matthew and I. She is four years old and so wise beyond her years. What a blessing my kids have been through this. They remind me every day why life is still good. I know that on Lockes birthday every year I will see kids his age and wonder what he would have been like. I don't think Track looks like Matthews baby pictures and I wonder if Locke would have looked more like him? I wonder if Track and him would have been best friends. I remember when I first found out it was a boy, before I knew everything was wrong, Matthew had been convinced it was a girl. He called both Laken and Tracks genders the day I found out I was pregnant with them and let me buy girl and then boy clothes long before we officially found out. He says it's a gift he has:) With this one he had a dream that we had a beautiful healthy baby girl with lots of dark hair so right from the get go he called it a she.I had been worried right from the beginning that something wasn't right. Matthew felt it to but then had that dream and felt a lot better. I think maybe that was a tender mercy from the Lord letting us know that there was still children that were going to come to our family. Anyways, when the ultra sound tech said it was a boy Matthew was in pure shock. The tech walked out of the room for a second as soon as she told us and Matthew looked at me and said no, she's wrong, that's clearly HER umbilical cord. I burst out laughing. My first thought was I pictured two tall blonde boys who were handsome and athletic and all the girls would want to date the Arrington brothers....but their mom wouldn't let them get near. Locke will be rooting for us on the other side. What a high bar he has set for our family. We have to be worthy to make it back to live with him and our Father in Heaven again. My kids are going to grow up knowing they have a brother looking down on them making sure they are valiant and not getting sidetracked by the worldly things in this life. Compared to being able to see him again what on this earth could possibly make it worth it to get in our way? Like I said, the bar is set high.

This song was written by a couple that lost their baby girl shortly after birth. Her husband is in this band that sung it. I can't listen to it without completely losing it, it makes me ache. The lyrics are beautiful though,they are too close to home but they touch my heart.

My sister in law Gina snapped a couple pictures one Sunday afternoon. Eight months pregnant is not my best look. But they are precious because they represent our sweet baby Locke William who we cherish already with all our hearts. We Will carry him all our lives. He will be our perfect bright spot in Heaven who taught us so much in such a short amount of time. I write this and still have no idea how I will actually get through this. How will I live through January 25th without shattering into a million pieces? I am small and weak but through the Lord I know I will find my strength.