Baby Locke

 So I've been staring at this screen for quite some time now. How do I even begin? How to I put into sentences what these last few weeks have been for me? How do I put a conclusion on my story that has been followed by many faithful amazing people that have cried with me and prayed with me and took a little bit of my pain and made it their own? If I am completely honest and raw I have to admit there is part of me that wants to keep him all for myself. That somehow sharing the details of Lockes story will cheapen it or make it seem less real if that makes any sense. But after a lot of contemplation of why I was feeling like that I realized something. I have had the honor to not only be Lockes mom but also his voice. Since the moment we were told of his special calling he has been touching peoples lives. I  believe that Locke was too pure and too valiant for this world. He had already proven himself worthy. He did not have to come down and be tested, but he still wanted to change lives. He still wanted to be a missionary every little way he could. He wanted to do as much good as he could in the few precious months before he was born and then the minutes he was here, and he has. He knew of his calling and he fulfilled it, and then some.

 I surprised myself that I was already emotional before we even entered the hospital that day. I couldn't help but have a few tears constantly drip down my cheek as the reality of January 25th was no longer that date I was preparing for but the date I was living. I felt calm and a little numb but things continued to happen around me and I just sort of tried my best to take it all in. I knew that what ever happened that day was because that was the way it was supposed to be. It was all part of the plan and nothing was going to be a mistake. I remember laying in that bed with Matthew sitting beside me and thinking how we were never going to be the same no matter what happened that day. 

Everything progressed very slowly. By late afternoon I still had a long way to go. Locke looked good on the monitors at that point so we waited. Our fan club sat patiently in the waiting room. Between our parents and siblings and cousin we had fifteen people there for us. Whenever I needed a shot of love Matthew would go get Laken and Track from the waiting room and they would rally my spirits. Laken sat by my bed and rubbed my hand between hers softly and slowly because she said my hands were freezing but hers were toasty. Matthew had given Laken and Track blessings the night before and they were perfect the whole day. It was such a long day but I needed them there when Locke was born and they were blessed. At this point ignorance was bliss. I picture myself laying there so utterly and completely naive of what was to come.  I think somewhere in the back of my head I let myself think that maybe we were going to skip the heartache. The whole concept was still, even after months of preparing and knowing, too big for me digest. I listened to other moms in rooms beside me have their babies and wait for that first little cry and I thought to myself that maybe that could be me too. I believe in a God of miracles so why not know? 

By about 9:30pm after hours of little progress Locke started to show signs of distress. Three doctors and a few nurses came into my room and circled my bed and began shooting scenarios and options and recommendations at me.  When they were done they paused and looked at me expecting a reply or some feedback. My head was swimming. I was so confused. The only thing that kept repeating in my mind was we could lose him which they said a hundred times in every scenario. I was having a hard time keeping any sort of composure and I think all I could say was- I needed to meet him. So after a little more monitoring, and I had had a chance to digest a little of what they were telling me, it was very clear to me that I needed a C-section. I knew in my heart that as Lockes mom I needed to do everything I possibly could for him. There was too much I was never going to be able to fix but if I could give him life, even just for a little while, he would know how much I loved him. I needed to know for myself that I did absolutely everything I could for my baby. Within a few minutes they were prepping me for surgery.

Everything was sort of in slow motion from this point on and I don't really remember comprehending much until I heard the doctor say the beautiful words I had been waiting to hear, "He's looking around!". It's like everything became very clear again and my heart skipped a beat. I laid on that operating table with strangers buzzing all around me and a curtain in front of me so I couldn't see anything but I knew he had done it. He had fulfilled his mission and we were now on borrowed time. I waited patiently to meet him. Matthew had left my side to go give him his name and blessing. They let our two fathers be part of that which I will forever be grateful for. The moment I saw Matthew cross that room with that little bundle of perfection wrapped in his arms, I was in love.  He laid him cheek to cheek with me and I tried desperately to take him all in. The first thing I said was he looked like Track. I also knew the moment I laid eyes on him our time was very short. It was now that we entered into another dimension. We were in the presence of an angel and heaven was very close. His spirit was brilliant. He radiated everything pure in this world. Looking back I realize how much Heavenly Father was protecting my heart. He let me feel everything wonderful and he let me enjoy every moment with him, the heartache could wait. 

I didn't know how I was going to feel once he had passed. I didn't know if  I was going to feel instantly different and struggle. But nothing changed. His spirit was very close because I could still feel him beside us. Laken was amazing. She kissed him and rocked him and wrapped his little finger around hers and told us "He loves it when I do this!". She was the proud big sister  and I know in her amazing little mind she knew how special he was.We couldn't get enough of him. Once everyone had had a chance to hold him and love him it was just Matthew and I. I had got very little sleep the night before and then had been through labor all day but I couldn't close my eyes. I couldn't waste a minute not starting at his perfect little face. Matthew pushed his bed up to mine and we laid him between us and marveled. We examined every toe and every finger. Two of his toes were webbed and Matthew thought it was hilarious. We awed at his tiny features and how he had my nose and Tracks mouth and chin. He had a look of babies with Trisomy 18 but he still looked like he belong to our family. Both of our other babies were over nine pounds so his tiny four pound ten ounce body was a novelty all on it's own. His hair was amazing. A perfect amount of silky soft down over his entire head. I never wanted to forget his smell so I constantly had my nose buried in his cheek.  This was part of the other dimension. Matthew and I were holding our baby that we never heard make a noise. The baby we were never going to get to watch grow up. The baby we were going to have to say goodbye to all too soon, and all we could do is soak him in and feel of his amazing spirit. I know that was Heavenly Fathers and Lockes gift to us. There was a miracle that day. Locke was a miracle. There was greatness in that room and there is no way of describing it unless you could feel it for yourself. 

That greatness stayed with us while we were at the hospital. Since I had a c-section I had to stay for two days but we continued to feel peace. That doesn't mean I ever stopped crying. From the minute we entered the hospital until we left three days later I think I had tears in my eyes. A few sober moments but then more tears. My eyes were so swollen I looked like I had had some type of allergic reaction. But although I never stopped crying I still had Lockes spirit with me and he made me strong and he allowed me enjoy the time I had with him. Everyone on the hospital staff who were part of it had a reverence about them. It didn't matter who you were or where you had come from you knew that Locke had a purpose and that he was amazing.  But once we got home from the hospital that spirit was gone and the heartache set in. I have had my moments. I have been blessed that through all of this I have been able to recognize truth and cleave to it. That when I hear doctrine or scripture or quotes pertaining to Lockes purpose I can feel that it is true and it strengthens me. I've never asked Heavenly Father why or gone through phases where I was mad I have always been able to comprehend this higher calling and get my strength from the Lord. I sort of feel like Heavenly Father gave me this trial but also protected me every way he could. I also believe that Locke is protecting me. I know that Locke is very happy. I know that he is up there fulfilling his mission and working miracles. All of this knowledge enables me to still be a mom and to still find joy in this world. But I still wake up in the morning and make a conscience effort to get out of bed and live. The empty arms are very real. A few days after he was born I laid in bed the entire day and ached so bad through my entire body that it was literally painful. All of my knowledge of the plan of salvation still couldn't take away that ache inside of me that I didn't have my baby. It was like my mind and my body were screaming at me to get him. It's every mothers natural instinct to protect your young and to take care of them. How could I leave him?!? I felt like a crazy person because I kept picturing myself going and getting him and bringing him back home with me because the fact that he wasn't there was just too much to handle. 

I held his little outfit that he wore in the hospital as tight as I could and pictured him in it. I knew this part was coming. How could it not. From the moment I found out of his calling I pictured these times. There was no getting around it so I just let it all in and mourned my baby. I still feel raw and my emotions are always close to the surface but we just take one day at a time. I can't look too far ahead because it scares me. I just know that if I stay close to the Lord I will always have Locke with us to guide us and strengthen us and that is all I need to know right now. I also know that Heavenly Father answers prayers. From the very beginning my prayer was that we would be able to meet him. It was everyone's prayers. After he was born I let myself question why we only got him for so short of a time. Why couldn't he have stayed just a little longer were the thoughts running in my mind. I said this to Matthew and he said something that instantly rang true in my heart. He said that he believed without a doubt that Lockes mission didn't involve being born alive. That his birth was a direct effect of everyones prayers. Heavenly Father answered our prayers to be able to meet him because he knew how important it was to us. Like I said heavenly Father answers our prayers.  I know this. 

The funeral was beautiful. I had been dreading it for so long but it brought me peace. It brought me joy that other people were able to get a glimpse of how amazing our son was. We had a service in St. George and then one in Raymond where he was buried next to my cousin Paul who died when he was eight. I've said before what a missionary and a strength Locke has been for so many people and this was one more way he could share the gospel and teach them the importance of eternal families and how important it is to stay strong and immovable because in the end, nothing else is worth it. Matthew carried his little coffin by himself and although it broke my heart, I also knew that it was so important for Matthew to do everything he could as a father for his son. He also climbed into his grave and lowered him in himself positioning him just so as only a father could. We have been strengthened in more ways then we can count and we will forever be humbled. Lockes story will never be over. There isn't a conclusion here. He has changed me forever and I wouldn't take it back for anything. If we are all a little kinder a little softer and little more humble then Lockes work will always go on and I will always be the proud mother of a perfect baby boy named Locke.

My pictures were taken by amazing photographer named Noelle. She was part of an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that actually come in and take photos for families like ours that do not have much time. She gave me such a priceless gift and I will forever be in her debt. These are actually just a few we haven't got the actual cd with all of them but I cherish every picture.


My sister in law Gina wrote and composed a song on her guitar soon after we found out about Locke that is amazing. She played and sang it at the service in St. George and my sisters Ivy and Chloe and Matthews sister Ahlin sang it at the one in Raymond because Gina had to go back to school.  They all did an amazing job. I have yet to listen to it without tearing up. It is raw and full of truth and I love it.It needs all the rest of my pictures once I get them so this will do for now. This is Gina singing have a listen.