We're back from our month long escape to Canada. My home. I'm back in St. George. My other home. Just trying to play the role of a wife a mother and Jade. Some roles are proving easier then others. Since Locke was born I keep finding myself whenever I'm out and about in busy places looking around at all the people around me going about their lives doing their thing looking so normal and I want to scream "Everyone Freeze!!!" Life cannot just go on as normal because I'm standing here without my baby and I don't quite know how to do that yet so everyone freeze so I don't have to keep feeling so on the outside looking in at everyone's normal life. But that's where I'm probably wrong. Assuming that everyone's life is just normal. If there's something I've learned is that things are never how they appear. It's so easy to glance at someone and make an initial evaluation in five seconds or less. Sometimes good sometimes bad. When I was pregnant I constantly had people so innocently commenting on by belly or asking me questions and I would smile and answer and in my head I would be saying if you only knew. But at the same time I would find myself looking at other pregnant girls envying them and wishing that was me when I had No idea what their story was. Probably happy but you never know. I'm sure my story looked quite happy as well. If everyone had that mind frame it would require a lot more empathy from everyone and that could never be a bad thing.
I just need to figure out what my knew life looks like. It can never be like my old life so how does it look? I haven't figured that out yet but I do have hope and that is something that I haven't had for a very long time. I have a new kind of normal as well. There are days when I surprise myself how normal I feel but it's a different kind of normal that I am use to. It all just comes with the territory I guess. Time is a double edge sword. The moment you feel relief that you've got through another day a week a month is the moment you feel panic that you've gone a day a week a month without rocking kissing loving your baby. It always comes back to faith. When realities knock the wind out of me I give it all to the Lord and know he'll take over the rest. I think I just need to start breathing again and then maybe eventually, without even realizing it, I'll look around and see that everything has taken it's rightful new place and there is a little order restored. One day.
I'm also going to try to blog our everyday life again. Everything has been on hold for a very long time and it's time to start living again. Not forgetting, just living.
We make a pretty good team I think
14 comments:
Holy smokes, Jade, you are so good with words! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and perspective with me. It makes me think and it makes me grateful for what my "normal" is. You're amazing! I'm going to Canada next week and I am so sad that I missed you being there!
We love you Jade!
yup a gift with words is right. I am so glad to have you as a cousin But "she's actually like my best friend not just my cousin" people don't get it, oh well I do. Thanks for sharing
You really are gifted with words. I remember Dave Wood saying the same sort of thing to my Mum after my Dad died. She kept saying she wanted to go back to "normal". He told her that what was there before isn't, but she could find a new normal. You are amazing to have realized that through your grief. You will find a new normal... and it truly is what you said... not forgetting just living. Hugs!
You're amazing Jade!
You never cease to amaze me Jade. You are such a blessing in so many peoples lives. Thank you for being so open and sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. We love you so much!!
You say things so beautifully. Love you.
I feel so lucky to know you...seriously, you are amazing! Loved seeing and chatting with you, it was so fun. Lets do it again soon!
in the past couple of years I have also had those same thoughts..about how we think that everyones life is normal, but ours is not....ive come to the realization that everyone has trials and heartache.. we cant escape this life without it.... but it is how we overcome it that counts.. and you are doing such an amazing job...you are right.. FAITH is the glue that holds us together!!!
I'm sorry if this is wierd that a stranger is commenting here. But I accidentally linked to your blog through Minday Francis' blog and I just have to comment. I know the feeling all to well...that one where you just want to hold and cuddle your baby (in my case babies) and you can't. Where everyone's life goes on and yours is just frozen. It's been 5 years for me...and you're right, time is a double edged sword, but it's also the best thing. 5 years ago I never thought I'd really truly laugh again, or that I'd feel normal. And the surprising thing is....I do! I still very clearly remember the first time I laughed at something and didn't cry at the same time. Those moments of healing (but not forgetting) will always be remembered.
Anyway, I thought I'd just let you know that you're not alone in this feeling. There are others out there. My sister also knows the feeling all too well. Her third child was born with Trisomy 13 almost 4 years ago now. Her story is very similar to yours.
So...I'm sorry that I don't even know you and that I'm commenting. I know it's strange. But I just felt like I had to comment.
Jade- I don't know exactly what you are going through(I CAN imagine though, and it hurts like heck) but I know about not having a "normal" life. Just go forward doing normal things- acting as "IF" it's normal and soon it will be...sort of. Really, how can you be normal when the extraordinary has graced your life? It has made you better. You have touched people. Take care of you!
I once heard that if everyone stood in a circle and threw in a shoe, you'd end up picking up your own. Sometimes we think it'd be easier to walk in somebody elses shoes, but you are right, we never know what is going on, so we should be grateful for the shoes we have.
Hang in there!!
We came across your blog through a friend of a friend. Our little girl was born with Trisomy 18 in 2005. Your story reminded us of so many emotions and experiences. This comment rang especially true for me:
He said that he believed without a doubt that Lockes mission didn't involve being born alive. That his birth was a direct effect of everyones prayers. Heavenly Father answered our prayers to be able to meet him because he knew how important it was to us.
That is exactly how I felt when Hope was born alive and lived for a short time. My husband was reminded of carrying the casket at the funeral. I also remember the pregnancy comments and the "If you only knew" feelings.
The gospel is so real and beautiful. We pray that you will continue to receive comfort and peace. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is good for us to be reminded of the huge blessing our daughter is in our lives. - Marinda & Mike Wessman
oh sweet Jade!!!! My heart just breaks everyday for you! You really are a strong person and I hope you know that!!! It's amazing how not normal anyone is but you never understand it until your life isn't "normal". I am amazed with how much faith you have! With Briggs, it was the hardest time but also the most spiritual experience which I didn't realize until long after of course!! Im so terribly sorry you are having to go through this! It makes me squeeze and love on my kids more! I think you are an amazing mommy! One day things will be somewhat normal but you're right you will never be the same!!!! Hang in there!!!
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